Self-Responsibility Starts with an “I”

Josie is a woman in her twenties. She lives at home with her mother who makes all of Josie’s important decisions: how to spend her money, who to go out with, even what clothes to wear. Josie is anxious and depressed.

Matt ordered a new printer for his office. When it arrived he discovered it wasn’t compatible with his computer. “Those idiots,” he ranted, “why didn’t they tell me this was the wrong printer?”

Sally and Jerry had a fight. Now Sally’s tossing and turning in the bedroom while Jerry beds down on the sofa. Neither is getting any sleep and both think the other should make the first move to apologize.

Josie, Matt, Sally and Jerry all have in common a lack of self- responsibility that leaves them dependent, impotent and victimized. They’re caught up in blaming others for their problems and waiting for somebody else to come along and make their life all right. Unfortunately, they’re going to have a long wait because, in the words of self-esteem expert Nathaniel Branden, “No one is coming.”

That is the good news. Your life is in your hands. You get to make the choices, elect the options and take the actions that come with self- responsibility. It’s through the door of self-responsibility that personal power and independence enter, often hand-in-hand, bearing gifts of confidence and self-esteem.

Be clear, though: self-responsibility is not the same as feeling responsible or accepting the blame for bad things that have happened or situations that are painful. We don’t all enter the world with the same trappings, and people, events or circumstances have caused wounds from which many are recovering. Self-responsibility means that when you have worked through your grief or anger or other issues, you can ask yourself: Now what am I going to do? What options do I have?

At the other end, self-responsibility doesn’t mean becoming so self-reliant that you don’t ask for help when you need it or seek others’ opinions or points of view. And it certainly doesn’t mean you have to know everything, make every decision alone or take on the world single-handedly.

Rather than a heavy burden, self- responsibility can be a source of joy. Knowing you can create the life you want by accepting responsibility for yourself is a great freedom. Even saying the words aloud can produce a feeling of power and strength. Try it.

• I am responsible for my choices and actions.
• I am responsible for how I use my time.
• I am responsible for my behavior and communication with others.
• I am responsible for achieving my desires, dreams and wishes.
• I am responsible for the work I do and the quality I bring to that work.
• I am responsible for the values I live by and standards I set.

Accepting and acting out of self-responsibility takes practice and working through and making mistakes and falling back and, again, finding yourself in a place you didn’t want to be. But that’s the thing about personal growth, the place to start is where you are.